I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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