she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
