I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
