Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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