I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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