I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
