his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
