gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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