I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
