it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
