he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
