Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
