Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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