So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
