Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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