i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
