Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
