Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
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Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
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On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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