she woke up with a sticky ear
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
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Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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