Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
