You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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