I'm gonna have a badass scar
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
