i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
