Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
