Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
