I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
