I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
