That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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