Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
