Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
