now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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