if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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