It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
