3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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