he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
did i just pee glitter
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
