The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
