So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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