I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
