dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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