Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
