FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
