i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
