Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
