I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
