I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
