so that wasnt chicken after all
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
