The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
