he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
