i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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