I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Boobs speak an international language.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
