She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you