I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
