I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
