fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
