My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
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I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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