mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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