I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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