Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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