After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
