He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
