pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
