My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
