I think I died a long time ago.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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