So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
