While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
